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Baby Steps August 9, 2013

Little by little, slowly but surely, I am definitely on my way to bigger and better things. Lately I’ve been really into taking risks and being in control of my emotions. Mostly because I was so damn tired of feeling so sad and…..empty. But that’s just it, this feeling of anticipating something great, is what I should be rejoicing in. Here’s why…

I’ve been taking a much closer look into my surroundings. The people I work with, people I Interact with on a daily basis, family, friends, old friends, exes….. all the 9 yards. I noticed that  they all had something to complain about. Something very concrete and physical. So, as I stood there listening to all their bitching and complaining, I could hear my own voice in my head say, “THANK GOD, I’m not the one having to go through that.. fuck emotions.” so then It dawned on me; a lot of these bitter emotions were coming from relationships and intense devotion towards another individual.. and THAT’S when it started to make sense to me. Suddenly I was seeing things In totally different light. 

this is the time, right here right now, to enjoy the time to be alone. To have NO ONE to respond to, to go ahead and doll myself up from head to toe and go to the club or, cafe, bar, restaurant, and treat myself. I can be flirtatious, give handsome men my number, go on dates, and just put myself out there with out a single care in the world, I can feel beautiful again with out someone to bring me down. I don’t have anyone to criticize my absurd 23 yr old ideas and decisions on MY daily life. I can look and feel however the fuck I want with out it affecting anyone (because it sure as hell shouldn’t. It’s my body, my life, my ideals, my image, my decisions.. it’s JUST MINE and no one else’s.  It does not mean I am lonely…. because I’m not. I refuse to have that word in my vocabulary any longer. I am in control of how I decide to make myself feel. Of course, I’m going to feel lonely, but only if I start to look back and remember “those times” and it’s ok to do that every once in a while, and remind myself of how things made me feel. how is that going to do me any good now, though? I realized, I need to stop living in the past! let it go and make new memories. THIS IS ALL FOR ME. Just me. That’s it and no one else. 

So I need to enjoy it! because, the day I decide to share the rest of my life with a life partner, this beautiful thing I have going for me at the moment will all be gone. Sure, it’s going to be nice to share it with the right one.. and it will be a beautiful. But that time will come, and it will come on it’s own time. 

For now, I will do whatever it takes to enjoy myself and my time alone. The time to feel liberated, beautiful, flirtatious, silly, goofy.. whatever it is that makes me, me. To not have to respond to someone else… feels so damn good. 

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To my support system April 11, 2013

I want to dedicate this post to my amazing support system. I never really knew how much I have impacted people’s lives in a positive way, because they have all been coming through for me these past few months. If it was not for them, I don’t know in what state of mind I would be in right now. It is due to my biggest supporters that I am doing ‘fine’ right now. If I could, I would name each of them and thank them individually but, literally, there have been too many to count. I love and appreciate each and every one of them. I didn’t even know I had that many fans! Suddenly I’ve gotten messages in my inbox of people just saying the sweetest things 🙂 and thanking me for being there for some at some point in their lives. Also little things like, “I miss your laugh and how you brighten up the room with your personality.”

It’s the little things that count!

 

It’s been rough, but the world does not stop for my sorrows. April 10, 2013

Filed under: Dating life,The healing process — dsahagun89 @ 9:35 pm
Tags: , , ,

How do I start this with out sounding pathetic? Starting one of these is always the hardest part, but I’ve been meaning to do this for a while now. Well! here goes nothing…

a week ago, my boyfriend of 9 months, and I, broke up. There. it’s out there, I said it, and now I’m blogging about it…but here’s why. This breakup has probably been the most painful experience I’ve had to experience in my young life. Words cannot even express how broken up I am inside about this. He was who I thought was going to be my future husband, and possibly the father of my children…I loved him that much. We talked future plans, and even procedeed on to executing these plans of moving away together. It’s amazing how much you can fall for a person, in just 9 months. Those 9 months were life-changing, and I mean that in a good way and a bad way. A lot of stuff can happen in 9 months… if you think about, it’s how most of us are even living on this earth. So, 9 months can seem like nothing at first, but when you really think about it, it can REALLY change your life forever, and this is exactly what this relationship did to me.

Ok, moving forward to the here, and the now. We do not talk, I’m broken, we tried the ‘friends’ thing but I could not do it. I still love him very much, but he wasn’t right for me. This breakup, unfortunately, needed to happen. It became very unhealthy, and I didn’t recognize my own morals anymore. It was really damaging my well-being, the beautiful person I used to be. So in the next few days, weeks, maybe months, I will be writing about my healing process. The next few entries will be steps taken in the right direction towards the healing process. I want so desperately to heal. Why do I need to publish it? well, I guess I don’t have to, but wouldn’t it be nice if this helped someone avoid the pain I am feeling now?

I will not cry anymore. I will most definitely not back down from gaining my confidence back. I want to record my progress because someone suggested that writing about it would help me, and sure it enough it does. Just by writing this, suddenly I feel an overwhelming sense of relief in my chest. As some of you may already know, writing can help de-stress immensely.

So no, this is not a pitty party. I don’t need that, I’m over that phase. I WANT to better myself.
THIS, right here, is my healing process.