Little by little, slowly but surely, I am definitely on my way to bigger and better things. Lately I’ve been really into taking risks and being in control of my emotions. Mostly because I was so damn tired of feeling so sad and…..empty. But that’s just it, this feeling of anticipating something great, is what I should be rejoicing in. Here’s why…
I’ve been taking a much closer look into my surroundings. The people I work with, people I Interact with on a daily basis, family, friends, old friends, exes….. all the 9 yards. I noticed that they all had something to complain about. Something very concrete and physical. So, as I stood there listening to all their bitching and complaining, I could hear my own voice in my head say, “THANK GOD, I’m not the one having to go through that.. fuck emotions.” so then It dawned on me; a lot of these bitter emotions were coming from relationships and intense devotion towards another individual.. and THAT’S when it started to make sense to me. Suddenly I was seeing things In totally different light.
this is the time, right here right now, to enjoy the time to be alone. To have NO ONE to respond to, to go ahead and doll myself up from head to toe and go to the club or, cafe, bar, restaurant, and treat myself. I can be flirtatious, give handsome men my number, go on dates, and just put myself out there with out a single care in the world, I can feel beautiful again with out someone to bring me down. I don’t have anyone to criticize my absurd 23 yr old ideas and decisions on MY daily life. I can look and feel however the fuck I want with out it affecting anyone (because it sure as hell shouldn’t. It’s my body, my life, my ideals, my image, my decisions.. it’s JUST MINE and no one else’s. It does not mean I am lonely…. because I’m not. I refuse to have that word in my vocabulary any longer. I am in control of how I decide to make myself feel. Of course, I’m going to feel lonely, but only if I start to look back and remember “those times” and it’s ok to do that every once in a while, and remind myself of how things made me feel. how is that going to do me any good now, though? I realized, I need to stop living in the past! let it go and make new memories. THIS IS ALL FOR ME. Just me. That’s it and no one else.
So I need to enjoy it! because, the day I decide to share the rest of my life with a life partner, this beautiful thing I have going for me at the moment will all be gone. Sure, it’s going to be nice to share it with the right one.. and it will be a beautiful. But that time will come, and it will come on it’s own time.
For now, I will do whatever it takes to enjoy myself and my time alone. The time to feel liberated, beautiful, flirtatious, silly, goofy.. whatever it is that makes me, me. To not have to respond to someone else… feels so damn good.