I’m going through something, and I’m not really sure what it is.. or what to call it. I don’t really even know what’s wrong. All I know is it’s not pleasant, and it’s making me feel very unhappy. I’ve been mopey, always tired, not wanting to socialize, hating almost everything, being lazy, hardly eating, searching, searching, searching for the cure… but I don’t even know what it is. Of course, the first thing that probably comes to mind is ‘depression’ but.. I don’t think so. I don’t feel suicidal. I don’t ‘hate’ my life. I don’t hate what I’m doing. I just don’t know where I’m at or where I’m going.
It’s a combination of a lot of things, actually. I feel super broke, even though I do love my job and co-workers. My heart sinks every time I think about student loans (first payment goes out next month-now panic) I’m not sure how I feel about my new roommate, dating life is non-existent, I don’t know what my next job will be, or if I should even be looking, but most importantly, I don’t know if I want to go back to school or not. Get my masters degree, or not? is it for me? am I good enough? will it help me at all? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH wtf is going on?!
I miss my family. I miss my college life. I miss old relationships. I constantly feel sad, reminiscing on the past and wanting it back. I wasn’t necessarily extremely happy in my past, but at least things were stable. Right now, it feels like everything is constantly changing. I guess change is good, right? but it’s hard to get accustomed to it when it’s happening so damn fast. I’m almost afraid…my brain says “this is a good thing” but my heart yells “stop, please stop, I need some stability, I’m so confused I don’t even know how to react.” I feel tired. emotionally tired. Let’s put it this way, I’m CONSTANTLY emotional… and I’m not sure why. I want this to stop! Then I get my moments when I feel extremely happy, and on top of my game! and then…..boom. I crash. I get home to my cute, little, vintage apartment, and I just sit. and i pace. and I sit. and think and think and think and think and think. The pondering never stops. I don’t even want to exercise. I don’t want to pick up a book or watch a good movie. I just want to drop to the floor, or on my bed, and cry. but why?! my life is fine! … right? shit, I don’t even know.
I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m scared, and I’m lonely 😦
I’m sitting in Limbo and it’s freaking me out. Life, please tell me what’s going on? drop me a line, give me a fucking sign. What’s next? just tell me what’s next?